Recognize and Avoid Enabling Inappropriate Teen Behavior

Enabling is anything that the parent does which makes it easier for the teen to persist in inappropriate behavior. It is often misconstrued as protecting your child, when in actuality it makes it harder for him to accept responsibility for himself and become independent. It can consist of:

• Parental denial of a problem. ("No, not my kid!")
• Making excuses for the child.
• Allowing the child to make excuses or blame others to avoid dealing with consequences.
• "Protecting" the child from experiencing unpleasant consequences.
• Pretending that you don't notice the behavior.
• Focusing on why he has done something rather than on ways to improve.
• Telling your teen that you don't care.
• Assuming that bad luck, accidents or "the other guy" is responsible for your teen's inappropriate behavior.

What To Do:

• Make sure your teen knows what you expect and why.
• Avoid power struggles, but state your expectation and what will happen if it is not met.
• Give encouragement and compliments.
• Be consistent with limits and consequences.
• Be supportive, but not protective, and allow your teen to face consequences.
• Don't make excuses for your teen's behavior.
• Have him take personal responsibility for what happens.
• Pay attention and ask questions even if you would rather not hear the answers.
• Make sure your children know that you will have discussions about sex, drugs, eating, etc. with them, and do it!
• Separate behaviors that you do not like and will not tolerate from the person whom you love and care about, and be sure he knows how you feel about him.

Help your teen accept responsibilities

• Make financial restitution for property damage.
• Do extra chores or errands.
• Write an apology letter
• Do community service work
• Read a book that deals directly with that problem behavior from the child's point of view.
• Write a report discussing the long-term consequences of an unacceptable behavior.

You and your teen know what he values, as far as how to spend free time, etc. Loss of TV time as a consequence might significantly impact one child, but not another. However, sometimes a harried parent can run out of ideas for consequences, especially as their children get older. This is a list of ideas from area professionals. Friends and family might be able to help you come up with others.

Loss of priveleges:

• Television
• Computer games
• Use of car
• Radio/CD player
• Telephone use
• Having friends over
• Use of bicycle
• Allowance
• Rides from parents
• Spending time with friends
• Loss of vote at family decision-making meeting (for a short time)
• Loss of school or church activities
• Participation in a sports event.

Make sure that the length of time a privilege is lost is appropriate for the poor behavior, and not so long that it causes your child to give up hope of ever regaining that privilege. If your child has lost privileges for a long period of time, you might give him specific opportunities to earn time off, or reward improved behavior with a reduction of time.